Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I was just wondering

Dear God,
I was just wondering ....why did i love Quincey so much , so much .....maybe is because that i had not know him much so i dun know his flaws ....so i love him so much....but lord, when i come to think of it ....loving someone is that you accept that person with his flaws and all ....love is a conviction and joyful willingness ....maybe i should not blog about Quincey anymore but this is what i want to tell you God.....Although Quincey had not much time spending with me ...his time with me ....i will always remember....Galaians 5:1 ....is a verse he tell me and there is always the memory of it .....for freedom that God has set us free....do not be yoke by slavery .....i remember taking his car back ....for that one time....after our servant project in Yishun.....the happiest time i have with him .....although is just a car ride ....i would not forget it in my lifetime ....it was this car ride ....that i know he is Quincey ....a person who is free in Chirst, having the confidence in our lord, his faith in Him, his love for Him.....no, no other men can replace his place in my heart, but God you are the only person i put first place.

In my dairy, is stated that in 1999 i wrote a note to Quincey....i had forgotten about that note ....yes 10 years back i started to have a liking for him ....is the year 2000 that i know i love him....then events follow .....he get to know my feelings ....but he does not have feelings for me ....and yes after ten years , he found his partner , and he is getting married soon and i should not always blog about him.....he lead his life , and i ,mine .....our paths will never meet again.....let go , Sally .....sally dun hurt yourself anymore , could you.....you already walk so far ....dun go back to IMH....is not worth it ....exactly i cried so hard so hard , in the years before, for him in the hospital.....becos my heart hurts.....he rejected me , he did not like me ,then again a friend reminds me that not all persons you like, will like you back....but God , this is not like is love .....i could like so many persons out there , but i can only love some ......no , God wants you to love all and not some .....anyway is because of his rejection of me ....that i know God's love is not like that of human love .....His love is boundless , forever ....i should have thank Quincey for letting me know your love , without his rejection .....i would never come to know that God you are so great .....without his rejection ....i would never have been the Sally of today .....yes is through his rejection and been saved by God's love ....that i know ...Sally will go on till one day she is going to face God ......although her dreams of kissing Quincey's eyes won't come true , but she know that Quincey is being taken good care by his wife and she will be happy ....Quincey, love your wife .....is not easy to become husband and wife....treasure her since is your choice .....remember loving means accepting, caring and commiting .....(that is Geok Mui's rainbow prayer).....who is Geok Mui then??haha....Guess , Guess .....

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I need to be focus ,God

Dear lord,
I am not able to focus and do my work ....been trying to get work done but been rather distracted.Had a dream last night, all my family members is getting ready for a big event, they are perparing to sent out cakes, and my dad was packing new shoes to be given away to uncles.....yeah, is that they are getting ready for my marriage .....stupid me, i dun have a boyfriend and i dream of being married .....haha.....but is a happy dream lor ....becos i was excited over the event in my dream .....and yes the bridesgroom is Quincey....He went to Perth to earn lots of money to marry me ....so that is why my dad and mom were so willing to marry me off becos they got a big bridal package.....well, well ....Sally indeed Quincey is getting married but is not you lor .....dun let your imagination runs wild .....he leads his life and you lead yours .....but God .....can't i jus have some happy moments although is not for real.....see, bargaining again.....what is the use , sally .....why dun you get out of your bondage with Quincey and get on with life .....Hongzye tell you the news is to let you wake up.....wake up my dear Sally .....With the help of God, You, i know i will be heal.....haha....anyway i could not control my dreams .....dreams will be dreams ....dear .....Welcome back to reality....there is lots of work that awaits you.....Sally , go go go , get back to work....Yes, God , no matter what happens ....i know God you will be with me Amen!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Thinking about things ....

Dear God ,
Guess you know what i did jus now .....lord sometimes i jus wish that i am not the way i am ....terrible .....very terrible ....been thinking that should i delete these posts that i wrote here in the morning ....then again when i think back i should not ....becos is just exactly what i want to write to you lord.....although it is really that private ....then again....i think there is nothing private about me .....i am just a simple lady ....who writes to God what her mind and heart is thinking .....sometimes lord , i would feel that i am so lucky , so blessed with all things .....why must i long for something that i want ....when all i have is with me .....does having a boyfriend makes any differences in my life ....maybe it does ....it make me more focus in loving someone ....then again....i have so many people in my life to love .....my nephews and nieces , my sisters and brothers , and most of all my parents ....yes my dear parents .....i need to love them with jesus love for me .....then there is my job ....where i could put my heart in ....there is also my hobby ....painting .....all these will take up my time and efforts....why must i cling on to Kelvin , who never really make a difference in my life .....there is still lots of people who need to be showered with God's love if i am that vessel of God ....why am i not fulfilling my calling to be one ....why must i go on wasting my energy on doing things that does not benefit me nor the society .....nor god's kingdom.....Sally. think....really need to think of the things that matter ....the things that matter to God .....dun let your own agendas fulfill that of God's agenda for you....live out your life ....is what you want to do with your life that matters and this calls for discernment of God 's plan for your life ....dun waste your life on things that do not matter ....but make your life count in God's everlasting kingdom.....Sally think .

Monday, September 21, 2009

Dear God, oh why am i not enjoying my singlehood ??

Dear Lord,
I had sms kelvin, with the following : -Hi Kelvin can u love and care for me more ?Can you spend more time with me ?Can you make me fall in love with you??I am jus a simple lady who wants to be loved, well i am unsure myself, sometimes i want you so much, sometimes i jus feel u are not the one for me.....Lord, maybe i am lonely, lord maybe i jus want to feel loved, lord maybe i jus want to love somebody .....but lord i have you loving me , and i can love you with all my heart .....why must i sms kelvin with the message .....am i ready to commit into a relationship ....the problem is that i commit myself to him even before i ask myself that question .....messing up my life .....not only to kelvin , but also to Quincey .....the thing is i never get to know them better .....why must i love them so much when i dun even know them well.....is jus something i know .....i am making mistakes .....sometimes .....i hope i can really know somebody well, before i come to like them .....but no lor ....when you know them well .....you will get to know their flaws and never like them liao.....lord, i pray you uphold me , and let me lead my single life well....in jesus name Amen!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

God, new normalcy....

Lord, from the facebook Kevin Foo had shared about new normalcy....is a timely reminder to me ....life would not go back to normal anymore after learning that Quincey is getting married.....becos there the hope in me died.....well, when something died it produce in itself a birth of something new.....yes, a new normalcy .....there are jus too many things i want to do now....yes, i should make myself busy by doing these things instead of dwelling on the thoughts that Quincey will never be mine ......i have come so far , and i need to go further, yesterday i chanced upon my writings in the year 1999....ten years back.....yeah....a time where i struggles real hard .....but i know my faith is built up through these years ....., yes i want to paint more, write more, read more, pray more .....quiet time i have 2 cor 10:5 ....every thought of mine should be under the captive of the obedience of Chirst .....may i walk in this new normalcy.....and be changed and transformed by your love.....Amen!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

God, smack my head,ya

God, a friend reminds me that if there is thoughts of Quincey, i need to smack my own head and stop thinking and say a prayer to stop the bondage ....God, thank you for friends like her.....and those who stand by me all these years .....been knowing that having Quincey or no Quincey does not make a difference but in the years that passed all these years i get to know the friends you put into my life had been always my support ....so God smack my head, if i again start to feel sad becos of someone that does not add value in my life ......He leads his life and i lead my life .....and i know that in my heart, he will always be a dear brother of mine, someone i know although does not have value in my life .....but had in a way let me know the value of other people in my life .....someone i dearly love, but i know i should not hold on .....may his wife love him and care for him dearly and they had a happy family .....lord , thank you for giving truths to survive all these years ....yes hard facts .....well no matter how is going to be .....i know your love will never end .....never ......smack me lord if i need to.....thank you lord , amen!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Dear God, you are my comfort

Lord, there is tears in my eyes....guess you know why....although i, myself dun even know the reason....what is there to hold on, lord why must i dream again....is unfair to his wife....i dun want to have these dreams, take him out of my life, out of my dreams ....he is never meant for me .....why must i torture myself .....Sally, i thought you are having a good time, having all that you enjoy, having all the people who care for you and now you are complaining jus because of a circumstance .....God ....there are so many out there who are suffering.....why am i not being able to be glad in my current position ......Sally, be contented ....i thought you just wrote happiness is having a wise mind and a wonderful heart .....are you having it ??Guess, God happiness also include being free ....without any bondages , without any worries ....but will we be able to do it ?Guess, God you are the only one who knows it all, you are my comfort and strength and i know is only you i need most.....lord help me, yes i am going to rejoice no matter what is going to happen, faith must come before feeling , and fact ....may my faith be that from You, a loving Lord, above all, in Jesus name Amen!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Trusting You Lord, is it hard ?

Lord this morning when the pastor preach about wisdom of God .....and trusting in your wisdom , i start crying .....because in my mind ....i had always thought that whatever is going to happen to me is this and that ....and i know there is a part of me who refuse to let you in ....to let you help me to acheive more .....i thought i am the control of my life ....just take the example of loving Quincey.....and knowing so well that he is getting married .....i know is God's will for me to open myself for other good guys who will come into my life .....i cried .....becos i know that a part of me had stubbonly hold on that since i had love quincey so deeply ....i can't possibly be falling in love with others .....guess if i trust in you ....and my desire is to be married .....i should not be bonded by all these .....i should be free .....then again....i did try letting go ....i did try talking to guys that i know i like .....but too bad ....is always disappointments that i have ....and that include the relationship i have with kelvin.......lord, you know sometimes is not that i dun want to acknowledge that you are wise and you are in control .....but it also takes faith from us to trust you.....when we have put in so much, so much and what if in the end your answer is a no.....just like the case in Quincey....what will we do ....will we still proclaim that you are good, will we still want to partner with you to do good .....is trying for me ....but i know i am in refiner's fire ....and this diamond of yours will be an invaluable one, sparkling in the darkness ....giving light .....who will pick this diamond up from the dust .....only a man who knows the value of diamonds......A man after God's own heart and know why does this diamond shines .....

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Thanks,thanks,thanks....My lord

Dear God,
Thank you so much that you see me through .....i had come to realise that however i long for Quincey .....i know that if it's your will i will seek after .....bless him lord ....abundantly ....and lord let your healing in me be able to produce much love for the people i know and meet .....they are so lost without you....they are just sheeps that need a good shepherd like you.....lord bless these people .....thank you god for all that you make me go through ....and thank you god for the more things that you will want me to go though.....i know with you i will not lost my way.....mountains and valleys , sweetness and bitterness, hard facts and soft issues .....life is to live forward and understand backwards .....amen, amen, amen......lord without you ....i could not be where i am now .....yes take me deeper .....deeper in love with you......In jesus name Amen!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

God's will for me - what is it ??

Recently I told my friends and my sister that , i will be glad with God if he gives me a partner becos it's my heart desire, and i will also be glad with God even if he never give me a partner in the end, becos i got lots of time to do my own stuff.....Lord why must i stuggle so hard to know your will.....i have the above statement to defend you, because i want to love you, God .....and i know the statment is truly from my heart, but is a obvious fact that i dun trust you enough to provide what i desire.....if i truly am trusting you.....i know you will answer all my prayers in your ways .....letting me know that in you alone, i could have my trust .....the thing is the answers of my prayers may not be in a way that i thought it would be, becos your thoughts are always higher,when i thought that i know all , i was humbled by the fact that becos of your love for me .....my best answer for my own life may only be the most foolish answer in your will for me.
Yes, lord all i know is that i want to continue to hold on tight to your hands, as you guide and lead me, help me to understand that living God's will is a daily business, we could not see the future without having to lead today , is through your eyes i want to live my life.....uphold this lady whose heart longs to worship you alone , loving and caring for the people around because she knows she is dearly love by you.....Amen!